all I want for Christmas

All I wanted for Christmas for seven straight years was them. I wanted to be a mom. We tried with help from my regular OB and then two different fertility specialists. Danny and I each had surgery (laparoscopy for me and a varicocele repair for him). We attempted a few artificial inseminations. The last specialist we hoped would perform in-vitro for us. They deemed us “not good candidates” They suggested we try specialists in CO or CA.

In the meantime, I was studying Communication Disoders (Speech and Hearing Science) at the University of Utah. I was approaching graduation and had not considered getting my Master’s degree. I was 30 years old and really wanting to spend my time rocking babies, changing diapers and walking the neighborhood pushing a stroller. I had felt drawn to this major. It felt like what I should be doing. Unfortunately, it was useless without a Master’s degree.

After graduation I did find a job at Salt Lake Regional Hospital as an infant hearing screener. It was under the umbrella of my major. If there were to be no children in our future, I should decide if I wanted to be an audiologist or speech pathologist. The bachelor’s degree I held was preparation for both of those options.

But could I be an infant hearing screener? Could I show up on the maternity ward 5 days a week? Could I enter the rooms of brand new moms and greet them everyday with a smile, compassion and the attitude I needed to do a good job. Could my heart take that reminder over and over again of my unfulfilled wish? I decided to try.

My first week on the job, I remember being in training and feeling really sick. I was worried about being around babies while feeling nauseous. I didn’t have a choice. The screener that I was replacing was moving to TX and I needed to be trained. I showed up. The good news is that that nausea was not an illness-I was pregnant. After over 7 years of trying, it finally happened. Without any medical intervention or attention, we were expecting.

I believe now that the daily work of entering into that maternity ward was exactly what I needed. I saw everyday reminders that women have babies EVERYDAY. Because I was in a professional setting, I saw this over and over in a way that allowed me to serve those families without begrudging my situation. I saw abundance instead of lack. It prepared my heart for what was to come.

Often our minds focus on the lack- money, love, relationships and fertility. In actuality, focusing on the abundance in all of those things brings them into the forefront and in clearer focus. I realized this weekend (almost 20 years later) that I now know exactly why I chose a degree in Communication Disorders. It wasn’t to be a speech pathologist or audiologist. It was to be an infant hearing screener, making $8 an hour with a bachelor’s degree and preparing my heart to know that life and love are abundant…and in 9 months, my 7 years of Christmas wishes would come true. I would soon have my own baby to love and spoil on Christmas. Incredibly enough, it wasn’t just one baby-I got to have three. They are our miracles.

their first Christmas as a trio: December 2006
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