farewell

Sophie’s farewell was March 22nd. She was surrounded by so many people she loves and she did a beautiful job sharing her heart in the church service. This was what she (and her cousin Quincy) wrote the night before:

“Don’t question me. I know what I’m doing, I have a plan….. and it’s just for you“, says the Lord. Does that suddenly make all your worries disappear? Do you believe him? I know at first I didn’t.

I was an eight year old kid filled with so many questions. I felt like getting baptized was a requirement, not a choice. I felt confused, I often questioned what I was doing and where this path would lead me. Time went on and I was growing, but my faith was not. I couldn’t seem to understand why everyone else was able to feel the Spirit except for me. I often wondered what I was doing wrong.

Imagine this, you’re in your kitchen trying to cook. You have all your ingredients, but no recipe. This is exactly how I felt. I felt like I had all the pieces. I had scriptures, I was going to church, I have a family who is faithful and loves me, but I felt like I had no promptings. I felt like there was no direction. It lead me to become completely discouraged. I gave up on prayer, scripture, seminary, and eventually deciding I didn’t want to continue to attend church once l moved out.

Later I went on an HXP trip. I was still questioning my faith when my HXP leaders sat down with me. You know that saying, “any questions, comments, concerns?” I was feeling all of them, but had never actually said any of them out loud. I finally decided this was my chance to get it all of my chest. I thought it would make me feel better to finally say it out loud, but it didn’t change the outcome of what I was feeling.

Later that same day a friend came up to me. She mentioned patriarchal blessings, and it honestly made me feel frustrated. It wasn’t something that seemed appealing to me.

It reminded me of when I turned 14 my dad approached me about getting my patriarchal blessing. I wasn’t too excited about the idea because I felt like | lacked an understanding of what | was getting myself into. The topic of patriarchal blessing was constantly brought up throughout this time period of my life. I got more and more frustrated each time it was brought up. After my HXP trip I went home to ask some of my friends about there experience with getting their blessings. I shared some of my concerns with them, one of the biggest being told I had to serve a mission. I never feltlike I could be the missionary type. I felt like I would never be capable enough. They tried to reassure me that I could still have a choice, no matter what it said, but I still had some unsettled feelings. Eventually the pressure finally got to me, and I finally decided to get it over with. I kind of dragged my feet through the whole process, I was slow to respond about scheduling an appointment, I was dodging questions from my parents, and overall still questioning my decision.

I was sitting in the patriarch’s house feeling overwhelmed with anxiety. I was zoning out throughout the entire blessing when suddenly I heard the word “MISSION”. My stomach dropped, and I immediately started to cry.

When the blessing was finished, the patriarch turned to me saying, “Wow that mission stuff really came out of nowhere”

He asked if I had any

questions, but I couldn’t seem to find my words. The room felt tense, my parents seemed like they were walking on eggshells, scared to look at me.

I had been pretty vocal in the past about not wanting to ever serve a mission, and suddenly it felt like that would all have to change. I got home, went to my room, locked my door, and just cried. I didn’t know what was going to do. I love my job, I love my friends, and my family. How am! supposed to pick up and leave that all behind? Why would the lord call me, a faithless, doubtful 18 year old girl? I felt like I was being called to something I wasn’t capable of. I felt like if I went through with it I would never be enough.

I have always heard people saying their mission was the best 18 years of their lives, but I could never fully understand why. Although I never understood it for myself, I could start to see the impact missions had on some of the people close to me. I could see the sacrifices they were making not only blessed them, but the people around them. Someone once shared something with me. They said,

“Make a decision from the perspective of who you want to become.”

Was deciding to go on a mission the easiest decision? No, I definitely still cry thinking about it every once in awhile. But remembering the first time I finally said, “I’m going on a mission” out loud, I was filed with so much piece. It helped me to realize that it was the right decision. Slowly, but surely my faith started to grow. I realized the holy ghost was a silent companion all those years I thought I was alone, but I think I was just looking in all the wrong places.

Although I still have doubts, I find so much peace and comfort knowing the lord walks with me. He sees my effort and he loves me for it. The greatest thing about this gospel is we get credit for simply trying. The world might make us feel like we’ll never measure up.

We might think because we’re flawed we’re unacceptable, but the lord says because we are flawed we are cherished. At times I still question his plan, but “l asked the lord for flowers, and he gave me rain”, and when I was fully able to understand that, I knew this was what was truly meant for me.

So I can finally say with confidence I’m serving as a missionary for the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints in the Atlanta Georgia mission.